Relation between ME-time and emotional crashes
Luckily, I don’t have them often ( anymore) , all encompassing emotional crashes, that is.
But right in the middle of writing about the importance of having enough quality ME-time, I experienced a fine example.
It was such a beauty of what I always call ‘ a crash in the corn field’ ; I thought:” I might as well use it as an illustration here.”
I had been heavily involved in minding other peoples busyness, in doing a help exchange: doing approximately 4 hours of work a day in exchange for bed and board, 5 days a week.
On top of that, I was dealing with various interesting and challenging situations in my relationship.
Although I did have regular short breaks, daydreams and walks on the 12 acres terrain, for about 4 weeks in a row, I almost never was really, completely mentally and physically away from it all.
On Wednesday, apparently I reached saturation point, without realising it fully consciously, at that point.
I had agreed to spend the late afternoon and evening with my partner and his parents. I had a nice long snooze before setting off, since I felt quite tired.
When Richard came to ask if I was ready to go, I was actually reluctant to get up and get dressed. For a split second, I semi-realised that I would rather spend the rest of the day on my own, doing nothing: ME-time.
But that half-idea got torpedoed immediately with ‘ I’ve promised to go’, ‘ it’s now too late to chance the arrangements’ and ‘ I can have a nice long relaxing bath there, so that probably counts as ME-time’.
So I got dressed and, in hindsight, things went completely downhill from there right away.
Richard said something that was meant as a compliment. However, it got detected by my system as a violation of my personal integrity. “ OK, I can go with pretty, but I don’t subscribe to being little and sure not to being a thing.” was my feisty objection where ‘ peace of mind’ went out of the window.
Stepping into the car, I noticed that I didn’t have my lip balm in my left pocket, the one thing in this world that I always carry around with me to the point that I call it my item of identification.
It could have been a reason to go back….. but I could borrow Richard’s instead and off we went..
In the car, aware of not being completely happy in myself, I just gazed at the landscape, basically in the undercurrent wanting to get this evening over and done with.
I picked up a trivial news item on the BBC radio. They said there was a major fault in the Top Gun movie. In order to let a Tomcat accelerate, apparently you need to push the stick forward. However, according to this news item, whenever Tom Cruise wanted to speed up, he pulled the stick back.
At Richards parent’s place, I noticed that a new item had found its way to the car keychain: a boomerang. The symbol of what goes around comes around, isn’t it? A gift, explained Richard. Looking at it was highly uncomfortable. ‘ Send equals receive’ ( a.k.a. the Law of Attraction) was staring in my face and it rubbed. Ignore, Ignore…..
Half an hour later or so, I was finally in the bath tub.
There I discovered that although I enjoyed having a nice long bath ( heaven to me), there was something stinging and stirring, somewhere in me.
I chronologically looked back through the day to see where I could locate the sting for the first time. I identified it as the moment of getting that very uneasy compliment, right after getting dressed.
Did I introduce some blame and resentment in that thought pattern? Did I actually think a couple of times that I deserve it to be seen as a fully equal human being with feelings, needs and desires and seeing me differently is not fair? Yes, I did.
I tried to shift, from a perspective of attack and blame and lack, to seeing a more harmonious peaceful side of it. There are only Good Things, so how can I perceive it like that?
I couldn’t at that point in time.
Dinnertime was there and as much as I appreciated the food and the efforts made, it really got to me that there seemed to be a ‘ wounded’ elephant in the room, but everybody was doing their utmost best to be jolly and chatty. I wondered if it was up to me to shine my light on the elephant, but I didn’t have the energy to do so. All I wanted to do was, end this event and go to bed.
But no, I still had to listen to stories of large machines in corn fields (harvesting the shattered corn as high value nutrition for various beings) and several ghost stories of unexplained events where one person could see things that others were not aware of……..
In the night, I woke up and felt an enormous rage welling up in myself. Following my own principles, I relaxed into it, allowing it to be, to tell me the story. I fell asleep again.
The next morning, I still felt very turbulent inside. As if I was flying an F-16 trough a storm.
But my work exchange duties, painting a wall white, were awaiting me. No time to waste…..
Everything went ‘ wrong’. Various comments only fed the gravitational pull down in my system. I also heard the news that instead of having the (so much desired free) weekend full of ME-time, it would be all hens on deck to prepare the house for a viewing on Sunday.
&*****&. ( dark vapours coming out of one of my engines!!)
Richard came in wondering how I was doing and I said that I was having a rough time with myself, ever since the afternoon before. I said that I had experienced the whole evening as very challenging. I uttered that I missed the Dutch directness and openness to talk about what is really going on in people’s lives as part of conversations, before going into chitchat and other social jollifications.
Did I just attack a whole nation there? Why not? I am flying my F-16, one engine is smoking and I don’t seem to be on a peaceful mission anyway.. so bomb the Brits and see about getting home safely.
Richard very kindly, standing up for his fellow countrymen, added in the mix to switch it around. What is it that you so desperately need ( out of expressing what is really going on?).
Second engine failure, we’re going down. Mayday, mayday.
I hit the eject button.
Before leaving the room at high speed I managed to say:” I really have to go now!”
On my own in the caravan, with the door locked, I screamed and cried at the Universe, expressing all the frustrations, before asking to help me see through it, to learn from it.
Calming down, the insight flew in.
Had I been looking after my own needs ( for enough ME-time) lately?
Had I expressed what was really going on in me before the social event?
Had I given enough attention to my need to be on my own?
No, I had not, I decided to ignore that for the sake of ‘ moving on’ and ‘ getting the show on the road’, to value other peoples desires far above my own essential needs for my well being.
But labelling a need as an unwanted or insignificant thing, comes back to you ( me in this case) as a boomerang. I labelled something important in me as a pretty insignificant thing, and the Universe pays me the compliment of calling me precisely that: pretty little thing. Just checking how well that goes down! Hmm.
As from that moment, I started to see all the clues that were put on my path to correct my own error in my assessment of the situation and my actions, apart from the obvious red alert signal that I didn’t want to get out of bed at all.
I missed my lip balm, the one thing that almost identifies me, in the material world. The grease that supports my lips to smile with ease and comfort.
I could have gone back, knowing that I had to get the one thing that identifies me, that supports my smile in the energetical world: ME-time.
The other thing that is close to my heart, usually guiding my choices is threefold: say’ yes’, mean’ yes’ do ‘ yes’… aligning my actions with my real needs.
Funny how I did subscribe to the first word of the compliment uttered by Richard (‘ say ‘ yes, I present myself well’ ), but completely objected to number two and three ( mean ‘no, it’s not what I need right now’ and with even more force behind it: (for God’s sake!) can’t you see that the truthful position here is to do something else?!
An enormous giggle welled up in me when I remembered the completely random and trivial piece of information ( do I believe in random??) about Top Gun on the radio.
Had I not been writing and talking about the importance of taking breaks, of slowing down, of having quality ME-time in order to be able to respond to the challenges of life? To be fresh enough at all times to see the good side of things, to see possibilities and have peace of mind?
Dusting of the debris of just having emotionally crashed my F-16 at high speed completely in a corn field, having ignored the signals in the cockpit completely… I do enjoy the hint the Universe gave me through BBC radio 2:
If you want to move forward in live, it may look like a failure to the public eye, but follow the Advice of the Tom(Tom and) Cruise Control: pull back, slow down!
Thank you Universe, it was an interesting ride in the flight simulator . Very entertaining, very educational, very illustrative that my approach containing ME-time and peaceful meaningful conversations where all needs are looked at, is working very well for me.
That… and of course that there is indeed high nutritional food ( for thought) in shredded corn:-), once your machine is collecting it.
Thanks to all the players in this part to help me illustrate this topic.